When Infomercial Hosts Go Insane - Ramen Joy

I wanted this post to be about something that would make everybody laugh. But more than that - I wanted it to be about something so ridiculous that everyone who read it would basically have an aneurysm when they were done. Luckily, as I was browsing through my folder of bad infomercials (yes, this is a real thing that I have), I discovered what can only be called the perfect subject. And it has to do with "America's Foremost Cooking Product Expert" (their words, not mine), Cathy Mitchell.

Those are the eyes of Satan.

Cathy Mitchell has been peddling her wares on TV since at least the early '90s, with things like the Snackmaster, and Microcrisp, which is some aluminum foil-like thing you wrap your food in that basically turns your microwave into an oven. Ladies and Gentlemen, the future is officially now.

Despite the obvious kitschy nature of everything she sold, I always kind of enjoyed watching her infomercials. Unlike Billy Mays, whose entire persona consisted of screaming at you, Cathy Mitchell came off like you were watching your grandmother: she was warm, comforting, and a little bit white trash.

The thing with Cathy, though, is that she was already kind of up there in years when she started, so when we got into the 21st Century, I think dementia started to kick in a bit. A few years ago, she released a new cookbook called Dump Cakes, which achieved minor meme status due to its rather unfortunate name and the fact that she more or less just throws a bunch of shit in her pot without a second thought. Here's the video for reference.

Definitely a bit ridiculous, especially the agonizing way she says "AND FINISH WITH A CAN OF SODA!!!" Fucking hell, ordinarily you need the assistance of Columbia's finest cultural export to get that much energy. In any case, when I saw that video I assumed that good ol' Cathy couldn't get any more bizarre. Oh, how wrong I was. Soon afterward, I discovered another of her new cookbooks that, to me, nobody else in the world knew about. The infomercial for it wasn't even on YouTube. I need to spread the word about this - it's just too fucking weird to keep to myself. I present you with Ramen Joy.

Yes, this is an entire cookbook based around how to make full meals and desserts using Ramen as the primary ingredient. I'll give her one thing: it takes an almost fathomless amount of creativity to think of an idea this profoundly stupid. She may chuckle slightly at the notion of her new book, but shit, this woman is earnest about it. Look at this picture.

She bought an entire fucking laundry basket full of ramen! And it cost her under $10! And apparently, with all that ramen, you can make enough recipes such that your family can eat a different meal for the next 30 days. We see a bunch of those recipes, including ramen-encrusted shrimp and ramen tacos. But the most mind-boggling has to be the ramen sliders, which you can see here.

There are about seven billion reasons why this is wrong. I mean, it looks like you just take a hamburger, and replace the buns with...ramen? Like, I assume it's not just the uncooked ramen, because why would anyone do that. But how in the silver fuck is pasta an acceptable substitute for bread? Seriously, can you find anyone who's ever thought, "man, what would make this reuben so much better is if I exchanged the rye bread with fucking fettuccine alfredo." No. Absolutely fucking not.

We're then given a few quick recipes in rapid succession. Full disclosure: because I was so morbidly curious the first time I saw this video (and more importantly, because I happened to have all the ingredients in my house at the time), I actually made one of the recipes. It was the one with the ground beef, ramen, ketchup, and the can of cola. I substituted the ketchup for marinara sauce, because that was a bit less trashy, but yes, I made that. And how was it? You know, that fucking can of cola ruined it - the entire thing had an aftertaste of Coke. Maybe it would have been alright without it, but it seems like Cathy Mitchell is contractually obligated to insert cans of soda into every one of her recipes now.

So, the other recipes. The ramen pizza is just as bizarre as the ramen sliders, but aside from that, I see a common thread running through all this shit. Honestly, all these recipes are kind of just normal recipes that happen to have ramen added to them. The chicken casserole is more or less a chicken casserole...with ramen. The ramen mandarin salad is the biggest insult in the entire show though - it's literally, literally a salad with uncooked ramen sprinkled on top. Look at this shit!

This brings up an interesting, almost existential point. Are these recipes supposed to save us money? I don't see how they can - I mean, you have to buy all the other ingredients, and there are a whole lot of other ingredients. If they're not supposed to save us money, then I suppose we're supposed to be impressed by the novelty of using fucking ramen to make all these things? If that novelty even exists, it wears off pretty quickly. Honestly, I don't think that it does. I think most people are in my boat - they take one look at these things, and they think, this is a goddamn abomination.

Nothing makes that point clearer than by looking at the desserts. Ramen truffles! And my favorite, GRANDMA'S RAMEN APPLE PIE.

Alright, first of all, how dare you assume to know anything about my grandma. Furthermore, what grandmother in these United States would ever, ever even consider, for one goddamn second, to make apple pie out of ramen? Instead of, oh, I dunno, maybe making pie crust from scratch, like normal old people do? For the fuck's sake, I don't even know how to continue without sounding like a lunatic.

I have no idea how successful this book was. I can only assume it was a colossal failure, and that explains why I've never seen it mentioned anywhere. But this isn't the kind of failure that should be buried forever - this is the kind of failure that needs to remain at the forefront of our consciousness for a long, long time, one that will constantly remind us that when human beings really apply themselves, they can not only produce bad ideas, they can produce ideas so bad that it causes those of us that have been blessed with the gifts of common sense and sanity to question whether we have indeed made any progress in the few thousand years that we've been masters of this planet.