If Bob Ross Went Psychotic: Let's Paint TV

One of the unexpected surprises I discovered during the holidays was the Bob Ross YouTube Channel. This channel, apparently operated by Bob Ross Inc., has uploaded an almost complete archive of The Joy of Painting that anyone can watch for free. Needless to say, I subscribed immediately, and The Joy of Painting has become one of my go-to things to watch when I'm trying to fall asleep. Now, because about 95% of the readers of my blog are my close friends, I don't need to go into detail about why Bob Ross is awesome - I will say, though, that the combination of his soothing demeanor, his genuine passion for teaching ordinary folks how to paint, and of course that hair, will ensure his immortality.

Sadly, Bob Ross passed away in 1995, and since then, there hasn't really been anyone who's filled the void he left. Perhaps, and I think many readers will agree with me, Bob Ross is one of those guys who comes around once in a generation - he was just so damn unique that finding someone to replace him is basically impossible. This hasn't stopped people from trying, though - today I want to bring to your attention someone I describe as The Anti-Bob Ross, or alternatively, Bizarro Bob Ross or Psychotic Bob Ross.

This guy, who looks like Rowan Atkinson on a bad day, is John Kilduff, and he's the host of Let's Paint TV. This show began it's life in 2002, among the drudges of Los Angeles Public Access - after shutting down in 2008, Kilduff began airing episodes online. Now, what makes this show so goddamn psychotic is that, unlike Bob Ross, Kilduff isn't satisfied with just teaching you how to paint - no, that's too basic. You have to be doing something while you paint - many of the episodes feature Kilduff exercising on a treadmill, playing ping pong, or, and this is the most bizarre for me, making blended drinks. There are dozens and dozens of episodes of this show available online right now, but for simplicity's sake, I'm going to share and discuss this seven minute clip, which I feel gives a decent introduction to the show as a whole.

Jesus Christ, I don't even know where to begin. Kilduff is running on a treadmill, while incredibly unsettling music, which I can only describe as if a third rate psychedelic rock composer were to write songs for an NES game while high on mescaline, plays in the background. He's wearing a suit and tie, which is quite possibly the worst thing you can wear while painting, to say nothing of running on a treadmill. The subject of his painting isn't a forest of happy little trees, but instead, is this man.

This is Michael Q Schmidt, an actor and fine arts model. Throughout the entire episode, he just sits there, shirtless and unmoving - at times, he even wields a scepter and crown like some sort of monarch. Kilduff will paint several portraits of Schmidt throughout the episode, which I'll get to in a minute - for each portrait, he seems to put himself under some artificial time constraint, which the clip doesn't really get into in that much detail. Suffice it to say, it felt rather unnecessary, considering everything else that's going on.


So, let's quickly compare this ridiculousness to The Joy of Painting. That show was outright minimalistic in its approach - there was no music, no backgrounds, just Bob Ross and his canvas, and honestly that was all the audience needed. Let's Paint TV, in the proud tradition of the Star Wars Special Editions, seems to be all about throwing as much random shit on camera at once - there's Kilduff himself, there's his canvas, his treadmill, fake plastic trees, Schmidt, some asshole on his MacBook - there's so much going on just in the scenery one isn't sure where to focus your attention, and that's saying absolutely fucking nothing about the three simultaneous things Kilduff is doing. When one watches Bob Ross, you feel an intense calm - when one watches this show, you feel your heart rate exponentially increase.

But TJ, you say, this is a painting show - what you should focus on isn't the tone but paintings themselves. Fair enough - let's, again, compare it to The Joy of Painting. Bob Ross is methodical in his detail and teaches you step by step how to do exactly what he's doing. I'm a complete moron when it comes to visual art, but I can walk away from an episode of The Joy of Painting and at least feel like I can do something like what I saw on TV. This show? Nope. Kilduff doesn't really teach you anything - in fact, he doesn't do much in the way of interacting with his audience at all. He does say stuff in the midst of his running and painting, but he's basically talking to himself - what's even worse, for much of the show, we don't even see the goddamn canvas. He's doing his thing, but the camera is more focused on him running, or Schmidt looking like the epitome of regality - it's focused on everything but the painting. What's worse, when Kilduff is finished painting, this is the result.

Yes, that blob of shit-colored paint is supposed to be Schmidt sitting down. Now I understand that Kilduff is approaching his painting from a different artistic school than Bob Ross - this, of course, being much more abstract than Ross' landscapes. But holy shit. I admit that I have a bias against a lot of modern visual art, which is so often nothing more than self-indulgent pretentious horseshit, but honestly, how is this good? Even if it was good, how am I supposed to duplicate it, John Kilduff? You didn't teach me a goddamn thing!

I can imagine what some of you may be thinking right now, so I'll just bring it up straight away. There are people who think this entire show is a joke, and as tempting as that is to believe, I don't know if I can. After all, it's been running for 14 straight years, and even in 2004, before anyone outside of the 50 people who watched LA public access even knew what this show was, Kilduff stated in interviews that his aim is sincere, that he really wanted to, like Bob Ross before him, inspire creativity in others. But I'll entertain the hypothesis that this is all a joke - if so, I don't think the punch line is funny enough to sustain a 14 year life span. Whatever humor is derived from this show is similar to that derived from other bad public access shows - it's not funny, per se, but it's fascinating and disturbing in its ridiculousness.

My favorite part of the video comes near the end, where Kilduff takes a call - after fumbling for about 10 seconds trying to get the call through, you hear a voice say, "Uh, hi, my name's John, and I just wanna know, like, what the fuck are you doing?" John, my friend, you speak for the world.